Can’t Fake Happy

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La Vega 2016

Or can you? Well for me it’s not an easy feat.  When you’re typically a bubbly person, the minute you’re down, the world knows.  This can somewhat be just as burdensome as what you’re actually sad about, simply because sometimes you just can’t hide it. It’s even harder when you work with a lot of people.  I feel like the moment I’m unhappy, the world slows down. Everything seems heavy and harder to do. I can’t seem to focus, and lose sight of my dreams and aspirations.  The least bit of sadness makes me petrified, so I try my best to remain happy at all times. I know, I know, that’s impossible. If you’re anything like me, and have suffered from depression, you’ll know that you try your utmost best to avoid anything that can jeopardize the wellness of your mind.

You’re probably thinking “where did this all come from?” and I’m sorry to jut spring this on here, but I feel like writing helps. Lately my family can’t seem to catch a break from death, and while death is a part of life, as cliche as it sounds, it’s something you have to deal with. When it’s sudden and more frequent, the weight becomes too much to bear. I usually don’t voice how I feel about things like this because you know, I don’t wanna be all “woe is me”.  I like pretty pictures, and while I know there is beauty in sadness, especially where art is concerned, I just haven’t felt inspired to do anything artistic. I don’t wanna write, I don’t wanna draw or paint…I just don’t wanna create at all.  That extends to blogging. So I must apologize for not posting as much.  It’s just difficult to feel inspired when you’re dealing with grief.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve experienced this much sadness, but feeling down just makes you appreciate joy a whole lot more. I’m really over here just trying to shake this feeling. I think what worries me the most is that my extended family is not that close, and losing someone just makes me feel very guilty about that.  Every time someone passes away, I get angry at myself for not spending enough time with them while they were here. It’s what’s eating at my heart the most.  What’s worse is that I just don’t know how to bring us all together.

If you’ve made it to the end of this post I thank you.  I know it’s a bit longer than what you’re used to from me, but please bear with me as I try to figure things out.  I’m still working out the direction of this blog, as I don’t wanna be all over the place with my postings.

What type of posts would you like to see from She Leaves? More cooking? Sightseeing? What about the beauty videos? Please let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time…

Love, light and longevity,

Dee

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